The "F" Word

Today is a good day. The sun is shining, the breeze is perfect and my son is napping. It's a good day!!!

There's so much on my mind today, so much going on in my head that I couldn't begin to scratch the surface before I start to bore you with my word count. We've had a crazy few weeks, helping to plan a wedding on the East Coast, traveling with a toddler to Baltimore, seeing my bro-in-law get married to his awesome bride, chilling out on the Atlantic coast after the wedding and finally traveling back home to the Northwest.

And here I sit, with this feeling in my chest. Maybe it's excitement, maybe it's nerves, maybe it's just a weighty feeling, knowing what's ahead this weekend.

My church is hosting a conference called Fearless. Yes, I know... fearless? And I'm apart of the worship team that's going to be playing for the weekend. Super excited... YES! A little bit nervous... YES! Not because of the music or all that fluff, but because of the theme.

Fear.

Fear. Less.

Fearless.

The little f word. Or in my case, it's been a BIG F word. It's been a struggle in my life, if I dare to be honest for a split second. ;-) Fear of being fully seen and rejected, fear of failure, fear of... fill in the blank! And because I take all of this weekend and what it's about so seriously, I've been looking at my own life and dissecting what I'm afraid and why. What are the roots? What motivates my fears? Needless to say, it's been a scary, vulnerable few weeks of facing my fears. Looking them in the eye, getting out of denial and being truthful about where I'm at.

And you know what? It's vulnerable, awesome and gives me hope. The best thing I've got from this time is that the only way to live is with my hands open, letting go of what I fear, letting go of what I want to hold onto so tightly. It's about fearing less. And less. And less. Until I've totally released the part I play in being fearful to the One who knows what to do with my fears.

I know you can't overcome a struggle in a day. It's a day-to-day thing, learning to live without fear. But I'm really excited about this weekend, being together with a whole bunch of awesome women to love God and want to live more alive, without fear.

So I will start today with Fear. Less. Until it is Fearless.

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There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgement - is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:18

Getting My Butt Kicked

Well, after almost a year, I'm back to blogging on my own blog. I've been working over at Oh!Dinner (www.ohdinner.com) for the past year and I'm still doing that but I really missed having a place to verbally go crazy. This is my place!

I gotta say... a lot has happened in the last year. We sold our house, renovated another house, moved into it, started a website, hubby started a new company, and a bazillion other things. And my son is 2 years old and embracing it. This means I'm getting my BUTT KICKED out of the ball park. It's totally fun to watch him explore and see his personality become even bigger but it's also exhausting, wondering what the heck I'm supposed to do to help guide him through this phase with freedom, not control. I can only control myself. Thanks Danny Silk for that little piece of wisdom.

Son just went down for his rest time and I'm about ready to topple over on the couch and have a snooze myself. But, here I sit, blogging instead. All the things I used to do while he was awake, I now need to do while he's contained in a crib, sleeping away the afternoon. If I'm on the computer, he wants to be on it too. If I'm on the toilet, he wants to see what's going on in the pot. Seriously. So, there's not much time for all the other stuff, like getting everything done in the day that needs to be done. And in all honesty, a lot of things just don't get finished these days. It's a constant life of undone things. The thought that everyone who's ever had kids experienced this (unless they're popping some speed pills) lived with the undone-ness, gives me hope that I can do this too and make it out the other side with my sanity intact.

If I can enjoy toddler-hood, it means less laundry folded and more snuggles with my son on the couch. Less kitchen perfection, more story times with him. Less me being put together, more spending time showing my son how to experience the world around him. I think in the long run, I'll be glad I embraced this chaotic time instead of trying to have it all together. I only get to be a Mommy once and I want to spend these young years actually being a Mommy, not trying to have a perfect life.

Cheers to getting my butt kicked!