There's so much on my mind today, so much going on in my head that I couldn't begin to scratch the surface before I start to bore you with my word count. We've had a crazy few weeks, helping to plan a wedding on the East Coast, traveling with a toddler to Baltimore, seeing my bro-in-law get married to his awesome bride, chilling out on the Atlantic coast after the wedding and finally traveling back home to the Northwest.
And here I sit, with this feeling in my chest. Maybe it's excitement, maybe it's nerves, maybe it's just a weighty feeling, knowing what's ahead this weekend.
My church is hosting a conference called Fearless. Yes, I know... fearless? And I'm apart of the worship team that's going to be playing for the weekend. Super excited... YES! A little bit nervous... YES! Not because of the music or all that fluff, but because of the theme.
The little f word. Or in my case, it's been a BIG F word. It's been a struggle in my life, if I dare to be honest for a split second. ;-) Fear of being fully seen and rejected, fear of failure, fear of... fill in the blank! And because I take all of this weekend and what it's about so seriously, I've been looking at my own life and dissecting what I'm afraid and why. What are the roots? What motivates my fears? Needless to say, it's been a scary, vulnerable few weeks of facing my fears. Looking them in the eye, getting out of denial and being truthful about where I'm at.
And you know what? It's vulnerable, awesome and gives me hope. The best thing I've got from this time is that the only way to live is with my hands open, letting go of what I fear, letting go of what I want to hold onto so tightly. It's about fearing less. And less. And less. Until I've totally released the part I play in being fearful to the One who knows what to do with my fears.
I know you can't overcome a struggle in a day. It's a day-to-day thing, learning to live without fear. But I'm really excited about this weekend, being together with a whole bunch of awesome women to love God and want to live more alive, without fear.
So I will start today with Fear. Less. Until it is Fearless.
There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgement - is one not yet fully formed in love. 1 John 4:18